Stupid sparkly vampires
by PinPricksofLight
Summary: This is a parody of Twilight so Twilight fans beware. Due to an unfortunate incident with some Twilight body glitter and a rabid fan, A ordinary girl has been swapped with Bella Swan- and she is not happy about it.
1. Chapter 1

You'll call me morbid but I thought a lot about how I was going to die. Like everything in my life I wanted it planned out just so, but also like everything in my life, it ended up going completely differently than I had planned (seriously).

For example I never thought I would be killed by someone who was possibly clinically insane and a freaking vampire.

Now I would be okay with this-if that was a proper vampire, you know- immortal, undead, kill them with a stake, garlic, sunlight.

Nope! I didn't even get this when I was about to DIE.

What I get is a wimpy shiny vampire, who wants to kill in revenge for smelling good to another wimpy shiny vampire it doesn't even make sense!

My name is Ruby Fletcher and the moral of this story is never upset Twilight fans.


	2. The Freaking Beginning

A/N Hello! I just wanted to say that the actions taken by the Twilight fan are exaggerated for humour. I dislike Twilight as I feel the idea was good but it wasn't executed the best way it could be. So if you're a big fan of twilight and you're likely to be hurt by this be careful because I am poking fun at Twilight. Although if you like Twilight but are okay with parodies I'd love to see your thoughts on how I can improve!

Bye!

Does reading twilight make you insane or something? I'm only asking because I feel that the discovering my location through vague stupid hints on my blog, buying a plane ticket to go to my country of origin (I've learnt my lesson) and cursing me with twilight body glitter.

Looking back on this story my psychologist says that it will help me cope with the experience if I recount it (I think it's crap but at least you'll get some enjoyment out of it). So I'll try and explain in more detail. So I thought having a blog would be fun, I could talk about books that I like and books that I hate (Twilight) and so that's how I started my blog off with a post absolutely raging about Twilight and I agree it might not have been the best idea to call Twilight words that I will not repeat here.

So then a blizzard of outraged reviews positively flew in with one in particular that caught my eye The comment was anonymous and kind of creepy I can't even think about it without getting freaked out. To paraphrase it basically it said that I didn't understand how Ahhhh-ma-zing Twilight is but soon would.

So anyhow a couple of days later and this girl with little pigtails and bright red lipstick assaulted me as I was just stepping out of my house with Twilight body glitter I was confused at first then I realised that I couldn't move, I asked her what the hell was going on. She giggled like a brain-dead pixie bouncing on the balls of her feet "I'll just helping you now you'll truly understand what Twilight means to me".

Damm.


	3. A Freak out

Most people would describe getting transported to an entirely different dimension like they were being sucked in a vortex of light and colour. For me it was like being hit by a giant soft cricket bat. Soft pain and then all I could hear was Whump. The sound was like I was in a comic book. Then it all went completely dark. And then I woke up.

I greeted the morning with a hearty Mmmmurghhhhhh, not opening my eyes, just gently basking in the warmth of my own body heat. I wriggled around realising something, my bed feels weird. The pillow is all hard and lumpy in the wrong places and the bed just felt wrong. I immediately snapped open my eyes and found myself staring at a really boring room. My arms and legs flailed as I tried to get the covers off in a panic. After falling out of bed I stood up in the centre of the room looking around. Blue walls, boring room, dresser, desk, computer, and mirror. I turned back realising I had missed something, I walked over to the desk seeing a small envelope with my name on it. I ripped it open hoping it would explain what had just happened.

_Dear Ruby_

_Even the most skilled arguments could not sway you to the pure beauty that is Twilight._

_So to show you I shall bestow you the most precious gift the chance of experiencing it for yourself._

_You are an exchange student from Australia who is here for a year._

_Sadly this gift shall only last until the end of the book._

_Remember you are not immortal and there are many dangers so be careful._

_Farewell_

No. No. This does not make sense, this can't be happening. I started to feel anxiety burning in the pit of my stomach and starting to grow. It felt like I was going to burst. I was shaking and crying- but I had to realise this was not real, this is just a dream, and if it isn't I can get through to the end no problem. After a few deep breaths I'd calmed down sufficiently to think practically.

Clothes, I need clothes, there were none in the closet. Luckily I noticed a small bag at the end of the bed. I unpacked it finding fishnets, tiny skirts and rib tickling tops. Nothing I would want to or be able to wear. So I did the logical thing. I went to school in my pyjamas.

Well at least half my pyjamas.

I paired my baggy, way too big for me, purple pyjama bottoms, with the least offensive top.

It looked ridiculous and at that moment I had to decide whether to sacrifice my dignity or my modesty.

Considering that I would sacrifice both if I wore any thing from inside that bag (it was amazing that the top I was wearing was even included) I decided to stick with my almost sleep wear.

I felt _so_ stylish.


	4. School, freaking, school

Today was not good at _all_.

Bella's dad, I think his name's Charlie, wished me luck on my first day.

He doesn't talk much, which is unusual for me.

Then I walked to the school, which was a mistake.

It was absolutely miserable outside, and so when I finally walked into the Administration office I was stained and saturated.

It was beautifully warm inside the office as I stood there dripping on the carpet. There was a lady at the front desk with the most gorgeous red hair, I just wanted to fluff it around in my hands. So I walked up to the desk and introduced myself, she handed me my timetable and a map. Then I went to my next class, then there was the typical business of the teacher introducing me and so on.

I opened my laptop case hoping to high heaven that evil, crazy, twilight girl had slipped up and included my laptop instead of something shiny and flashy. It looked like my laptop I held my breath as I switched it on.

I was in, it was my laptop!

After checking my email and my various social media sites (realising that I got way too distracted on tumblr) the bell rang. I sat packing up my computer and slinging my bags on my back, when this guy with hair that really needed a wash came up to me.

"Your name is Ruby, right?" Greasy Hair Boy said.

I replied in the affirmative and we had a strange conversation about Australia and the weather and kangaroos and stuff.

The rest of the warning was the same, AKA very very boring. I'd check my emails, do some work and get way too distracted by Tumblr. Someone would always, without fail ask me why my name was Ruby when my hair was blonde. I would spin a story, sometimes involving robots for a suitable explanation, but would end up saying that I honestly had no idea.

There were lots of different people in the classes, it was hard to remember all of the names. I hung out at lunch at the table of this one girl with the coolest fluffiest hair. Her name was Emily.

At lunch, I realised something as I looked away from the table of smiley happy people I was sitting with. And that realisation ruined my entire day. I looked over and saw a table full of really pale, really tired looking people.

I turned away, then I realised who it was.

The stupid sparkly vampires.


	5. The Best Freaking Snow Day

Our eyes met across the room, his curious. Mine wishing that looks could kill.

"Those are the Cullens' right?" I asked.

"Yeah" Emily said.

They explained to me all about the Cullen family whilst I half listened, I already knew half of it I was just trying to figure out where I could get some explosives. Curse you Stephanie Meyer, for making your stupid vampires almost invulnerable.

I headed to my next class with Angela I expected it would be the normal routine social media, work, get distracted by Tumblr and it was although it was interrupted slightly by glaring at Edward constantly. Amazingly he glared back, this made me quite happy. Maybe this means that he'll stay out of my way. Once the class was over another guy approached me. Whether this was just a side effect of being put in Bella's place or whether it was just my utterly charming personality, I'm not sure. I introduced myself, he introduced himself, blah blah blah and he showed me the way to my next class.

Finally it was the end of the day and I had to check in to the office for some reason, and guess who was there, Sparkle Mcfairypants.

He glared at me I glared back at him he muttered something to the receptionist lady, blah blah blah.

I went home and so on.

The next week or so it was fantastic because Sparkle wasn't there but there was one improvement that made fantastic turn to amazing. For some reason my computer can access the outside world. I can talk to my friends and my family. My mum and dad were having trouble believing it but they realised having your daughter replaced with an emotionless almost robot (Bella Swan) is not normal. My friends, well they were reacting _uniquely. _But they were mostly freaking out.

And one thing that made that week even better was that it snowed!

I had never seen snow before and it was so much fun to run around and play in. I had discovered that although I have no talent for making snowballs I have fair skill at making snow fortresses. Yes there were fortresses I spent way too much time in class where I should have been working obsessing about the best way to build a snow fort. It was amazing!

So amazing that I didn't realise stupid fairy pants was back.

Fan-freaking-tastic

**Author's note: To the very few that actually have been following this story, thank you! I'm finally back ! The first few chapters have been leading up to the next one, so it might take me a little longer to write especially as I'm trying to make my chapters longer.**


	6. Why won

So apparently I am some kind of magnet for Sparkle Face because even though I just had a glaring contest with him, he felt it was a good idea to sit next to me. And yet according to Jessica he's smart. I just can't see it.

So anyway the teacher had a grand idea of pairing me and stupid sparkle together. This made me absolutely burst with delight, can't you tell!

"Hello" he said in a voice that sounds like a kid in your class who always tries way too hard to be dramatic

"My name is Edward Cullen," he continued. "I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week."

" Hello! I don't care! Piss off!"

"Oh." He let it drop. I glared at him and wished he would die.

So in class apparently we were supposed to do something with onion roots. Yet but will really piss me off was what Stupid said next

"Ladies first, partner?" He asked.

"I am not and will never be your partner" I replied "and you can go first, I have no idea what this experiment is about"

"Prophase." He said

"Can I check" I said, I had to look like I was actually working.

"Sure" he said.

And then as I was putting my hand on the microscope so I could see, he grabbed my hand. Yet whilst this was happening I could feel something flowing through my body.

**Absolute unbridled rage.**

I yanked my hand away and snapped at him.

"If you ever touch me again I will rip your arms off and force feed them to you. Do you understand?"

At that moment I really hoped he did not, I wanted to kill him. Because at that moment I realised that the curse and the story would stop at nothing to try and get me and stupid pants together.

I sat at my computer and fumed as loudly as I could. But of course he came over, how stupid he be?

"It's too bad about the snow, isn't it?" Edward Mcstupidson asked.

"I think threatening to force feed you your arms basically means don't talk to me."

And yet he kept talking to me!

"I think you'll find it a bit hard to rip my arms off" Edward Mcstupidson said.

" Sure I'll just enlist the help of an blunt knife"

"You've only just met me and you're freaking out, I don't think that's fair"

"You're as dumb as you look and you look pretty dumb. Life's not fair genius"

I turned my back and opened up my computer, seeing in new email from my friend Cassie.

To give you some background Cassie is really sweet, she is one of my best friends. She's had some issues with her foster family that I'd really not like to talk about because it's her story to tell. Anyway she'd thought of something.

You see everyone had been freaking out trying to figure out how to transport me from the book back home, but while everyone was freaking out, Cassie had realised that if there is a curse/spell to transport me into Twilight, there must be a way to transport people into other books. Cassie is very _into _science and so she enlisted the help of my friends Ella and Mara who are also very good at science of what turned out to be to try and figure out using a few of the particles of what turned out to be twilight body glitter to figure out how to transport into other books.

But whilst that was happening I had other problems.

Other stupid, annoying, not leaving me alone problems.

**Author's note: Hey I just want to say a huge thanks to HighPointsOfSociety for letting me use her character Cassie from her story Crossroads which is a Danfiction and is really good!**


	7. I almost freaking died!

It snowed again and I had a plan.

The most devious plot, the best snow fort design.

I. Was. Ready.

But of course I didn't remember what was supposed to happened today, so I loaded up my bags with my computer, two ice cream scoops and as many thermos filled with boiling water as possible.

And I started my walk to school.

I was not looking forward to seeing Diamond Sparkle today but if I was lucky I could avoid him and if I was even luckier I could trip him over and possibly kill him!

My walk to school was a bit slippery, living in Australia especially where I live, it's normally very hot. But eventually I got used to walking on the slippery surface and once I got really confident I even started pretending I was a Penguin.

But I had to be serious. I had a plan to carry out, dammit!

So I opened the first few thermos and started pouring them around the trees and in the middle of several big piles of snow.

I turned around startled, hearing a sound like mechanical cat being squished to death by rocks. I turned around seeing Angela in the path of a van. I rushed at her knocking her over.

She was safe but I was not. As she skidded across the ice away from the van I felt something hit me. It was cold, as cold as Stephanie Meyer's bleak, black heart. I skidded across the ground punching a hole into the only pile of snow I hadn't poured boiling water on (that was convenient). I could see the van just centimetres from me, but then I did something utterly wimpy- I passed out.

I woke up and I was in a hospital, this was actually quite interesting. I'd never been in hospital before. I looked around noticing beside me was a boy all over him were cuts and bruises and bandages, it was awful.

I introduced myself to him

"Hi I'm Ruby"

"I thought I was going to kill you! I was going too fast, and I hit the ice wrong…" He winced as one nurse started dabbing at his face.

"Nice way to start a conversation, hey it's fine, it's not your fault!"

"I'm Tyler by the way"

"Cool"

I'm sorry to sound super insensitive but do you know where Angela is?"

"It's okay, she's fine, she's right next to us actually "

And so she was, and I hadn't noticed! I am not ever ever ever going to be a detective. So I turned over to her and luckily she didn't look too badly injured although she had a big neck brace on and lots and lots of tiny little scratches.

This whole event got me thinking about the nature of the curse so it makes events happen at the same time they did for Bella but for different reasons? And should I like make up a calendar with all the events written on it I realised that was not such a bad idea so I pulled up one of those "the characters of Twilight read Twilight" fanfictions and started reading.

It was a necessary torture.


	8. I Will Never be Bella Freaking Swan

All night I sat awake reading Twilight and putting the events in the book on my calendar (well not really all night I slept for around half of it).

Anyway in the morning I didn't get up on the right side of the bed.

Because guess how I got woken up? Someone thought it was a good idea to stand at the side of my bed and say

"Is she sleeping?"

Without thinking I rose up out of the bed, turned towards the direction of the voice, opened my eyes and smacked him in the face.

It was glorious!

"Waking me up is NEVER a good idea Eddie poo"

Edward was standing at the foot of my bed, his nose was bleeding. I glared at him and glared some more.

"It seems that you're awake"

"Your new nickname is officially Captain Obvious or should that be Captain Oblivious? Seeing as you will not leave me alone and I have- Wait! I should make a list.

He continued talking at me whilst I grabbed my computer and started typing.

"Shh, no talking Eddie Poo I'm busy"

I continued typing as the sparkly annoyance started talking to Tyler, I didn't really was that I was busy typing out my various threats.

Sadly I didn't get too far as my calendar started beeping- signalling a new event, just as footsteps came down the corridor.

And in came a man who looked like he should be in a shampoo commercial or one of those frightening commercials, full of unrealistically good looking happy people jogging.

He examined my chart and my x-rays and all the while Eddie poo was smiling patronisingly at me you can guess what I did (if you couldn't I am ashamed of you) I glared at him.

The doctor dude said that I could go so that's what I did, but before I did that I had a score to settle.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I hissed under my breath.

"Your father is waiting for you," he said through his teeth.

"Too bad, you're talking to me now. Come on!"

Every fibre of my being was soaked in anger and stubbornness. I would not turn into Bella. I would not be a pushover. I would not! I would not!

Reading the book last night, I realised Twilight was 10 times worse than I expected. Maybe that was partially because I was currently in it. Or maybe I just think it's kind of sad. Bella gets pushed around all her life and she is happy with it! It made me feel sick thinking about it.

I would not be Bella. This is my story now, and the thing about my story is that I am the one that writes it.

Sorry, I got a bit side tracked there. Anyway what happened next was that I practically dragged Twilight Sparkle down the corridor.

"What do you want?" he asked, sounding annoyed (oh how the tables had turned!)

"I hate you, remember! Why did you freaking save me! You owe me a freaking explanation!" I just barely stopped myself from yelling.

"I saved your life — I don't owe you anything."

"I didn't ask for my life to be saved, I'm not some freaking damsel in distress! I saved Angela in case you forgot that!"

"Ruby, you hit your head, you don't know what you're talking about." His tone was cutting.

"Don't you dare try gas lighting me. I'm not some brainless sheep who will fawn over you wherever you go! So tell me the answer already!"

He glared back. "What do you want from me, Ruby?"

"I thought I outlined that already!"

"What do you think happened?" he snapped.

"You lifted the van off me. I might be stubborn but I'm not stupid."

"You think I lifted a van off you?" His tone questioned my sanity, but I knew he'd do that. He couldn't let anyone know about this.

"Yep"

"Nobody will believe that, you know."

"So you did save me. I hate you more than ever now"

"You're not going to let it go, are you?"

"Never."

And with that I turned and walked down the corridor.


	9. Stop (Part 1)

The snow had almost all gone- it sucked. To make this even better people would not stop talking about the whole van incident.

It was nice being the hero for a bit but it was a bit boring because nobody would stop talking about it for the first few weeks but luckily eventually everyone else got bored.

Angela and I hung out a lot more after almost getting run over by a van. She was really sweet and we just kind of worked well together.

The next big event, my calendar reminded me, was a school dance and everyone was talking about it. Who they were inviting, what they were going to wear, it seemed endless!

Jessica apparently thought that Mike was like my property or something because she asked my permission before she invited him to the dance.

"Are you sure you don't mind… You weren't planning to ask him?"

"No way- anyhow, don't worry about me, he's not my property!

The conversation went on in a similar vein until finally Jess agreed to ask him.

Of course I'd forgotten in the Twilight universe almost everyone is whiny and needy. So I shouldn't happen surprised when the next day there was a huge drama because Mike thought that I was going to invite him to the dance and so declined Jessica's invitation. It seems all males in the Twilight universe are stupid.

Once I'd sorted that drama out, I decided I'd ask Angela to the school dance as friends. She was cool with that. That was good. And now I'm talking like a robot because I have no idea what to say. Okay, to tell you the truth I had a bit of a crush on her. But seriously, I've had crushes on fictional characters before but not ones I could actually talk to, who were sweet and cute and funny and I'm 99% sure were as straight as a ruler. So… Yeah… It was a bit awkward.

And what was even worse was that every guy and his freaking dog wanted to go to the dance with me and I can tell you it was not because of my charismatic personality.

So the next day I was heading into the school when Twilight Sparkle stepped in front of me and wouldn't let me walk any further.

Basically he wanted me to drop everything and go to Seattle with him. I insulted him, I said no, I glared at him, I walked away.

And then the next day he decided he wanted to be "friends" with me and would not stop bothering me so finally I snapped.

"Why the hell won't you leave me alone?! I have threatened to feed you your arms!"

" Why do you hate me?" He said managing to sound like a whiny toddler and that overdramatic kid in a drama class at the same time.

" Do you want to know why I hate you? You're elitist, stalkerish, you act like you own me, you won't leave me alone, you laugh at my friends, you practically try to control every move I make, and your mood swings are stupid and annoying just like you, but at least they aren't sparkly!"

" What do you mean sparkly?"

Frick on a stick, he was mad. I went to run off but he grabbed me and he wouldn't let me go. Suddenly the wind stopped, birds were frozen in mid-flight. Everything stopped.


	10. Start motion (part 2)

Panic started to fill me, bubbling up from the pit of my stomach . This made no sense! What was happening?

Then suddenly blurring colours were all that I could see. Everything was moving so so quickly and then I started to feel sick. Then everything stopped once more.

" Why do you hate me?" Edward said.

I looked around people were walking and talking,, the birds were in the sky, the wind was brushing the branches of the trees. It seemed that time had simply skipped back to before I was almost killed by a giant sparkly fairy.

"Because you annoy me."

I walked away.

I don't know where I walked. It was somewhere inside the school (I think) but that's all I can remember.

I sat there for ages, just thinking about what happened, what I did, what I felt. Suddenly for me it had stopped being a wacky adventure and started becoming real.

"Hey"

I looked up seeing people flooding out of classrooms everywhere.

"Hey Angela" I said

I was a bit preoccupied I really missed my family and my friends, I'd been away from them for months. I didn't really fully comprehend what had happened in till that moment.

"Are you okay? "

"I'm fine, just a bit homesick"

"Hey if you want to talk to me I'm here"

"It's cool"

"That's good. Anyway; are you going up to the beach with us, on the weekend? I'd really love it if you could come."

"Yeah! Can't wait!"

"See you then!"

"Bye"

I felt a bit better after talking to Angela, when I talked to her everything felt so much brighter.

On the weekend at the beach I felt a lot better. I talked to my mum and my dad, and my friends had assured me that they were working hard on the investigations to see if they could use the body glitter to get me home. But it was nice to have a day where I could just hang out with my new friends, without Edward bothering me.

After the fire had been built and lit a small group of us went up to the rock pools. We messed around up there for a bit, throwing seaweed around at each other.

"Hey, look!" I squealed.

All these different types of fish were swimming around in the little rock pools. There were starfish and eels, each of the little pools were absolutely bursting with life and colour.

A little while later we all started to get hungry so we headed back to the beach and to the fire. By then the number of people in the group had almost doubled

I hadn't realised it before (I don't know how) but the fire was blue, bright blue which was pretty cool. It was just generally a nice atmosphere.

I don't know I am telling you this, there's no real reason. I just like recalling it, it was nice to hang out with my friends.

Angela and I sat a little bit away from everyone else in the circle. We just talked.

That's the way I remember her, smiling, the blue in her eyes reflected by the flames.

It was a lovely moment, the keyword- was. The curse of Twilight activated and the beautiful moment was absolutely spoilt when another boy thought it was a fantastic idea to go and interrupt me.

I really really hate this.


End file.
